Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in Him and He will do this;
He will make your righteousness Shine like the dawn,
the Justice of your cause like the noonday sun.
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for Him;
do not fret when men succeed in their ways
Psalms 37: 5
I have told the story before of when I contracted staph and a bone marrow infection following a back surgery in 2005. As I said before, I prayed every day that my pain would decrease, and I did my very best to go to my physical therapy sessions, but the pain increased rapidly. It was difficult for me to understand why God was not helping me; why the pain increased more and more over a period of 3 months to a point where it felt as though someone had a knife stuck in my spine and was manipulating it to cause me more pain. I even shouted at God "Why won't you help me?"
This was the beginning of my true faith and I found that it was extremely difficult to understand why God allowed me to go through so much pain then and after the second surgery to recover. I was in the hospital for 12 days and could not walk because every time I put that right leg down to stand, the throbbing pain was so great that I could not do the physical therapy. Everyone in the hospital and including my family thought that I was overreacting. That could not be further from the truth. It took 7 months to heal and then coming off all the drugs took another month of much anxiety and pain.
I began to try and use a walker, but the distance that I could go was minimal. I slept in a recliner and only got out of it to use the restroom. I had no appetite and everything that was put before me nauseated me. I ended up drinking Boost because it was the only thing that I could sip on that had the protein and calories that I needed.
My daughter gave me a beautiful CD of the Holy Rosary, but listening to it only depressed me further. How could such a beautiful gift from God continue to cause me mental distress? Perhaps because my heart was truly not in the right place.
I did not begin my quest for a full, spiritual life with God until four years ago. I have gone through some things that hurt me deeply. I cried my prayers almost every day for a year to no avail. I was asking God "why do you not answer me?" I had given these two problems to God and told him that I would leave them with him to sort out. The first time didn't last very long and I was back to crying "Why haven't you resolved this?"
So, I gave it to him a second time and in a short while, I was crying daily again and I prayed and prayed for these things to be made right. Today, they are still not righted.
I began writing this blog and dedicated most of it to writings of a spiritual nature; writing about Jesus, God, The Holy Spirit, Mother Mary and the Saints. I must admit that I was not terribly prolific in the beginning, but then I met a friend who saw me on Twitter and reached out to me. He lives in England, 6,000 miles away from me. We began to Skype and get to know one another. I credit him with holding my hand and leading me into a beautiful, spiritual life that has become comforting and satisfying.
Today, I believe that God brought us together 3 1/2 years ago and we are still friends, Skypeing when we can and writing daily. The verse above appeared in his email to me today.
I have learned to "be still and listen" and it has paid off enormously! To hear the voice of God speaking to just me was something I was not prepared for. When he came, all became so calm and I was totally unaware of anything else around me. I listened as he spoke and would nodd my head and answer "Yes, Father!" as he spoke to me.
The one thing he focused on was this: "Why are you crying over this so much? Didn't you give it to me to take on and resolve 'according to my Will'?" I felt ashamed as I answer "Yes Father."
Sometimes, the only way you are going to have peace is when you DO give certain things to God to handle "according to thy will, not mine."
God has answered many prayers, but this one is still looming. He knows that it is still on my mind, but I no longer question the "why" of his will in this matter. I await patiently, and I have resolved that it may not be righted for a year or years. But my faith in God is so strong now that I know he is using this to teach me and others involved what we need to know about "trusting him".
This trust goes far and wide. There is nothing on this earth that compares to a person's complete trust in God. Yes, others will aspire and win over in their lives, and you want to say "why not me?", but that would be wrong. God has it, he is at the wheel, he is protecting me even from myself, and in His time, he will resolve all things left undone.
What a beautiful day that will be, and I KNOW it's coming, sometime, maybe a long time from now, but it WILL come. I have committed my way to the Lord and I do not worry that anything will ever stand in the way of me and the Lord or Jesus Christ. My life is happy again, but that request I made looms in the far corner of my mind. I can't just stop thinking about it. I can only say to myself, "soon, Lord, soon."
The way of the Lord is not without some pain and longing. But His Infinite Love is forever; and your problems, they will go away or be resolved in time. Just please be still and listen, for the voice of the Lord is something so gentle, like a baby's breath, that comes down upon you and soothes your heartaches and pain. Resolve yourself that this life is all about His Will, not 0urs, and your righteousness will eventually shine like the dawn.
Lovingly In His Service,